Some good news

The week started out tough.  Lily got a ‘failure to thrive’ diagnosis on Monday from the nephrologist.  This is like getting (as one wise Rett momma so eloquently put it) a punch in the gut.  Hearing those words, especially as a mom, well… the guilt and disappointment and anger is indescribable.  I walked away from that appointment trying to not feel like a total failure as a mother. Thankfully my kid was being extra sweet and silly which helped shake me out of my funk.

The next day I got a video from school showing Lily holding onto the handlebars for close to 40 seconds while riding a bike.  This is HUGE.  Her hand function has slowly been improving over the past few weeks.  I can’t post videos to this site so you’ll have to settle for a screenshot instead.  If you’re on Facebook, I’ll be posting the full video shortly.

And then this morning, we had to see her pediatrician to get his signature for a Medicaid form.  They do not make it easy to get, nor maintain Medicaid but holy cow am I glad that Trumpcare failed because I’m not sure what we’d do without it.  But I digress….  We did a weigh-in at the same scale we used 5 weeks ago and according to the scale, she gained 2 pounds.  It’s taken a lot of effort – and patience – for both Lily and her nannies, therapists, teachers, parents, etc. to get here.   And we’re not done yet.  She’s still 3 pounds away from where she was 6 months ago but she’s starting to gain it back.

How did she gain 2 pounds in 5 weeks?  Well, Lily’s been on a steady diet of home-made mac-n-cheese, duck, tater tots, cupcakes, avocados, yogurt, pudding and pizza.  I’m still slipping in super healthy stuff for her morning smoothies to ensure she’s getting the vitamins and minerals her body needs.  But she’s basically eating anything and everything she wants.

In two weeks we are seeing the GI doctor to discuss further this ‘failure to thrive’ issue but I’m hopeful that the conversation will be a mostly positive one.


Holding on to the handlebars like a pro!


Throwing (almost) all the rules out the window

For at least two years, Lily was on a strict GAPS diet (basically grain free, dairy free, sugar free). When she started preschool, I started letting her have pizza (pizza Fridays!) and a nibble or two of a cupcake if there was a party at school. Safe to say, 90% of the time she was eating clean and healthy food. And she loved it

But then about 3 months ago, when things started heading south for her, one of the things that was impacted was her voracious appetite. She no longer harasses me in the morning to get her smoothie. Now she won’t even open her mouth to drink it. Lunch and dinner are pretty much the same. Mouth shut, not interested in eating.

Lily was a slight kid to begin with (even when she was eating voraciously) but now that she’s lost interest in food (for the most part), she’s gotten dangerously skinny. At this point I’m feeding her anything that will get her to open her mouth. She’s had pizza for lunch, and dinner at least 4 times this week. Tonight we ordered a bacon cheeseburger with fries and a vanilla milk shake for dinner. Anything that will get this kid interested in food again. She needs to gain weight. Urgently. And she will.

To supplement or not to supplement

Recently on one of the parent groups, a question was asked about whether or not it’s worth buying expensive supplements for your kiddo. I thought my response could be helpful to other parents on a similar journey so I’m sharing here:

I’ve been using Agape on and off for years. When I can’t find it or afford it, I use the stuff you get at wholefoods ‘child life’ I think is the brand. I also have used and am using a mix of other supplements for my kiddo on top of this. And have I seen results? How can you really know? And what results are you looking for?

My daughter isn’t ASD (autism spectrum disorder), she has a disorder that, among other things, can cause growth issues (i.e. head and feet and other body parts stop growing) and failure to thrive because of malabsorption in the gut. She also has sensory issues and struggles concentrating. She physically cannot sit still due her her disorder.

So what have I seen? Well one thing is that she is on the growth charts. And continues to grow (though her weight is very much on the low end of the charts, but so is mine). I also see that she is healthy. And is getting better at paying attention. But is it just because she’s maturing? Is it because she got lucky and doesn’t have the growth issues that the other girls with Rett Syndrome have?

I don’t know. But I’m going to keep supplementing her and ensuring she eats the cleanest and healthiest foods possible (she’s on modified GAPS) because it can’t do anything but help.

If you’re not comfortable paying for Agape, why don’t you try the child life supplement to see if it’s something your kid will even tolerate before investing in a big, expensive bottle.

This SN parenting journey is not an easy one. And I’ve realized that we can’t do everything all the time. So pick and choose the things you believe in and think can help your sweetie be the best kiddo s/he can be.


Long and lean, happy and healthy!

Lily, Lily legs

The other day I posted the below message in Facebook. I thought it went up on the ‘My daughter has Rett Syndrome’ family group. But it was posted to the greater FB community as well. And I’m grateful for my error. I got so many fantastic recommendations from both groups. Now to choose which chair support to buy….

Here is the post:

So Lily is getting REALLY long. Which is not surprising as I’m 5’11” and her dad is 6’5″. But it’s starting to cause an issue for when we go out to dinner. Or go grocery shopping. Those Caroline’s carts have not made their way to Whole Foods in NYC (or any other grocery store for that matter). And when eating out, she can still fit in a highchair (she’s skinny) but she’s literally got both feet on the ground! If I don’t have her in the highchair, she will roam the restaurant looking for cute boys to steal food from. What do you do when you take your girls out to eat, who are roamers, and don’t fit into highchairs anymore?!


Those piggies are flat on the ground!


Understanding cognition in girls and women with Rett Syndrome

In my quest to find an answer for whether or not to do the neuropsych, I came across this recent article.  Here is a relevant excerpt:

It is extremely difficult to evaluate the cognitive abilities of individuals with RTT as these are masked by their motor, apractic and atactic difficulties, which limit normative evaluation. On the other hand, many research projects have suggested that individuals with RTT are able to learn [18-21], and that the learning skills can be enhanced with appropriate motivational factors [18] as well as that learning is sustained after a ‘washout’ period of the learning program has ended [18]. It is also clear today that individuals with RTT can learn new skills [22,23], including literacy [20,21,24], and that learning ability is sustained in individuals with RTT at all ages.
The article is insightful in many levels and the premise is basically that girls and women with Rett Syndrome need intensive and constant therapy/intervention throughout their lifetime to maximize their quality of life.
I’ve seen the positive effects of intensive intervention firsthand.  And there is now some data to demonstrate that Lily is progressing both motorically and cognitively.  For example, her first progress report for the year has come in and it is the FIRST TIME that the teacher at school has indicated that Lily has made significant progress in a few areas.  It is most definitely because she has a Tobii at school now, and that her teachers and therapists are committed to engaging with her through it.

The importance of genetic testing and Rett Syndrome…

I’ve recently been approached by two families who have concerns about their daughter’s development.  And both have asked me to share our journey to an accurate diagnosis.  If you remember, Lily was given two mis-diagnoses along this journey.  So I’ve decided to dedicate a post for families who are on a similar journey.  if you’re new to this site (you found me through middle of the night googling), please feel free to leave a message below and I’ll get back to you if you have any follow up questions.

Q: I am wondering if you could share with me a little more about your journey to an accurate diagnosis, as well as any providers or evaluations that you felt were significantly helpful?

To me, what was the MOST definite and defining moment for Lily was getting the genetic test results with the Rett diagnosis.  Here are the ‘steps’ it took to get there:

Autism diagnosis August 2012

Lily was talking and social and hitting all her milestones and then BAM.  At around 15-16 months, there was a major regression. The language went away, she became super aloof and disinterested and physically started demonstrating some delays as well.  She was initially diagnosed with autism at 18 months (both through Early Intervention and a private developmental pediatrician).

ESES Diagnosis November 2013

Once we started EI services (she was getting 20 hours of ABA, plus Speech, OT and PT), it became apparent that the autism label didn’t fit.  The words started to come back (and then go away – which is still happening).   She came out of her shell and was social and interested in the world around her again.  We then had a bunch of EEG’s done to try and figure out the underlying cause of her regressions and found out she had a rare form of epilepsy called ESES.  And we thought ‘aha! this is what is causing her regressions’.

Rett Syndrome Diagnosis January 2014

But while she was being treated for the ESES (using high doses of steroids that I had to inject into her leg every day which totally sucked for us both), we got the genetic results back (which we did to see if there was an underlying reason for the ESES).  Rett Syndrome was confirmed.  All her doctors (and she has many) were surprised with the results as she didn’t fit the ‘Rett girl’ profile.  She walked, she had some hand function and she wasn’t having seizures (though she does technically have epilepsy and has epileptic episodes which I’ve been told are NOT seizures).

Q: Who did you work with to get the Rett diagnosis?

The geneticist we worked with was Dr. Marion at Montefiore in the Bronx.  And what was especially great about being at Montefiore was that there is a Rett Clinic there (the only one in the tri-state area, led by Dr. Sasha Djukic) so we were already in the Montefiore system.  It also helped in terms of scheduling doctors appointments as the Rett clinic is open on Fridays and we now just go there once a year and see anywhere from 2 to 5 specialists in a day instead of going back and forth to the hospital to see all the different doctors.
Q: Where are you today?
A Rett diagnosis sucks.  But you learn to live with it.  And knowledge is most definitely power.  I know what I’m dealing with and I can better prepare myself and my child for the road ahead.  And by the way, it’s mostly a happy road we walk.
Q: Is she on a special diet?
Lily has been following the GAPS diet for the past two+ years (though she has pizza on Fridays at school) and is on the growth charts which I believe is because of the healthy foods and supplements she takes (many girls with Rett start to fall off the growth charts by the age of two).  She sees a nutritionist regularly.
Q: What types of therapies does she receive?
She goes to a private special needs preschool where she receives numerous therapies, and has an augmentive communication/speech generating device that she navigates with her eyes (think Stephen Hawkins).  It is called a Tobii.  Actually she has two Tobii’s – one at home (which we own and were able to procure through the EI program) and one at school (which took a year of advocating through the DOE CPSE program).
Here are the services she receives through the DOE, on a weekly basis:
At school:
  • 1:1 para professional for health and safety reasons (this is imperative: our girls cannot self defend)
  • 5×30 Speech Therapy
  • 4×30 Occupational Therapy
  • 4×30 Physical Therapy
At home (she has a ‘dual recommendation’, sometimes called an RSA, and is supposedly impossible to get through the DOE):
  • 6×60 SEIT (Special Education Itinerant Teacher)
  • 3×45 Speech
  • 3×45 OT
  • 1×45 PT
  • 4×60 Assistive technology services (so that the home speech therapist can program both Tobii’s and upload course curriculum to them so Lily can follow along in class and participate).
On the weekends she goes horseback riding through the GallopNYC program and is loving it.
Yes.  It is a lot of therapies.  And yes.  It was not an easy decision to put her in to all of these therapies.  But the proof is in the pudding:  My kid is thriving.
We live a mostly happy, and always busy life.  Yes.  It is possible.
Happy Girls, Halloween 2015

Happy Girls, Halloween 2015

Knowledge is power

I remember struggling through the book ‘Orientalism’ by Edward Said when I was in grad school. I think it was one of the very few books I didn’t finish as it was too dense and, truthfully, boring. But what I did get from this tedious, yet paradigm-shifting and acclaimed read is the underlying thesis of his book – knowledge is power.

I agree. Knowledge IS power. But sometimes knowledge sucks.

For example, Rett Syndrome.

Here is some knowledge about Rett Syndrome:

Rett syndrome is a neurodevelopmenal disorder that affects girls almost exclusively. It is characterized by normal early growth and development followed by a slowing of development, loss of purposeful use of the hands, distinctive hand movements, slowed brain and head growth, problems with walking, seizures, and intellectual disability.


AND…. And yet, there is still hope. Plenty of hope.

Lily’s therapists are amazing and are teaching the both of us how to maximize her potential (which, from an intellectual capacity is limitless) and mitigate her regressions (which is, unfortunately, ongoing – swallowing and hand function continue to be an issue).

From a physical perspective, Lily is growing normally. No slowed head or height growth (her current height puts her 6 months ahead of her actual age). I equate her ‘typical’ physical growth to knowledge. The knowledge to research like hell and talk to cutting-edge nutritionists to learn how to support this kids body which is constantly working against her. Lily takes supplements and vitamins galore – I look like a mixologist when putting together her morning and evening bottles. She eats clean and healthy foods. I stay on top of her constipation (which is a constant battle) to keep her comfortable. She gets PT and OT to ensure that she gets physically stronger every day.

So not all knowledge sucks.

But for Rett Syndrome in general? So much of it is unknown. How it manifests in each girl is different. And how it unfolds over the course of a girl/woman’s lifetime is a complete shot in the dark. There is NO body of knowledge to point to how this will fully impact MY child.

A fellow Rett momma blogger aptly put it this way:

Rett Syndrome is a relentless bully. …It is the type of bully who, just when you think you have fought hard enough to keep it at bay for awhile, sneaks around a corner and kicks you in the face.

I constantly need to be on my toes. On watch. On guard. Researching and reading and watching my kid like a hawk and meeting other parents who are years in to this experience (regardless of the pain their knowledge causes me). It’s a nonstop process.

Lately Lily has been having some pretty major zoning out episodes. They’re not seizures (as per the Rett specialist). They’re just Rett zone-outs, for lack of a better term. And it’s scary to watch. And there’s nothing I can do but hold her hand and talk to her soothingly until she snaps out of it.

Regardless of all the scariness, there is this hope.

I believe that my kid is going to rewrite the Rett books; that she is going to help pave the way for a new way to look at Rett Syndrome. That she will be cured of this horrific disorder and will be able to live a fully independent and symptom-free life.

And in the meantime, I’m just going to keep loving my kid. And reveling in her strength and beauty and joy.

This holiday season, please take a moment to put your life, and the lives of your children, in perspective. Give thanks for ALL the gifts you’ve been given – especially those gifts that you take for granted on a daily basis.

We ALL have so much to be thankful for.


C and L

All dressed up for her preschool's holiday soiree!

All dressed up for her preschool’s holiday soiree!



As many of you know, my child is highly motivated by food.

Well, when she started preschool, I was faced with a dilemma.  The school has pizza Fridays and Lily’s diet is so restrictive (she’s on the GAPS diet for those unaware), that pizza is a BIG no-no for her.  Her dad and I both hemmed and hawed it for a while but agreed that it would be a great experience for her to fully participate in this sacred meal.  She is VERY curious about what other people are eating (oftentimes, after she finishes her dinner, she starts to pick on mine) and she has so many restrictions in her day to day life that giving her this one – easy – thing would help her feel more of a part of something, rather than being on the sidelines – like she is with so much else.

So pizza Fridays have begun.  Here is an excerpt regarding the first pizza Friday from the communication book her teachers and I pass back and forth each day:

Lily LOVED pizza Friday. She ate  consistently for a half hour. Lily loved it so much she was saying ‘give me’ and ‘more’…  I was so proud of how much she was talking.

Miss Susan (her teacher)

Lily said more words in one day than she has in an entire month!

So, yesterday was Friday and she didn’t have school so I decided to take her out for dinner and we had pizza!  Again, she loved it.  Again, she said more words at that meal than I had heard throughout the week.

I wish every day were pizza Friday!