Maybe it’s time to rename this site.  Maybe it’s time to retire my online ramblings (which I know have been few and far between these past few years).

Now that Lily is older, I am constantly struggling with what I can share with the outside world.  She’s a teenager now.  I want to be respectful of her privacy.

At the same time, this is such an isolating life we are leading and I know other families are struggling in similar ways so not sharing some of our truth seems like holding back from helping others out.

Here’s a hard fact: the teenage years are–by far–harder than anything Rett Syndrome has thrown my way.  I never thought anything could top watching my child lose her ability to talk, use her hands purposely and not grow properly.  I was most definitely wrong.

And we are just at the beginning of her teenage years.  She’s only 13.

Currently we are facing:

• Scheduling numerous intensive surgeries (for skeletal issues)
• Seizures (currently under control with medication but can change in an instant)
• Sleep (currently under control with medication but can change in an instant)
• GI issues (somewhat under control)
• Growth issues 
• Mood disorders (the medications we tried made things worse)
• Creative (scary) responses to common and not so common medications 
• Communication challenges
• Movement issues
• Much, much more

All with the backdrop of not having enough family or caregiver support while navigating  complex and bureaucratic medical and educational systems.  With the biggest elephant in the room being what will her life look like after she ages out of the school system? The to-do lists and advocacy work are endless.  

The funny thing about not having enough family support is that–when I think about it–Lily DOES have immediate family nearby (unlike me whose immediate family live in Florida). But she’s been abandoned by her father and his side of the family. Sure they send gifts from time to time.  Maybe I get a child support payment once or twice a year.  But that’s it.  Lily recently asked to spend a week with her dad’s side of the family over the summer which I communicated to her dad recently.  Do you know what his response was?  NOTHING.  

It’s truly heartbreaking.  On top of all the challenges my child faces, she also has to deal with abandonment issues.  

So, the question is how to find peace and joy with all this heartache, suffering and loss?

For me, the short answer is this: seek out beauty.  Sometimes this means going a few blocks over to RIverside Drive to avoid the bustle and noise of Broadway while driving LIly to and from school.  This means walking around the Botanical Gardens after a long hospital visit.  This means making our home beautiful and tranquil. This means finding so much joy when Lily is happy and giggling.  This means having a peaceful dinner with my husband on our back patio. 

Another bi-produt of this phase we are in is that traveling with her is not an option.  We can’t even take her to restaurants as it’s too overwhelming.  But damned if I wasn’t going to make her spring break eventful. Every day I made sure we had an adventure. The first day we went to Untemeyer Gardens where we (randomly!) ran into my Uncle Richard and his lovely wife Archie.  The next day, we went to the farm (her favorite destination) and met up with friends there.  Both of these activities were hard for her.  So I had to think smaller.  We ended up spending the rest of the break exploring garden centers in lower Westchester county.  It was perfect – a contained, quiet and peaceful place with beautiful flowers as far as the eye could see.  Beauty as far as the eye could see.

Even when we’re being chased by the gun that is Rett Syndrome, we still find our way towards beauty.