In my case, I’m dealing with an emotional terrorist.
Though I learned much through my university studies on terrorism, I am ill prepared when it comes to the emotional kind. (I must admit, I’d likely be ill prepared for the state sponsored kind too.)
The victim of this terrorism is my daughter. My sweet, innocent daughter. The aggressor doesn’t realize his folly.
I was so very hopeful that the custody and child support settlement would provide a bit of reprieve from the constant berating and badgering I was receiving. But not only has it continued, it has escalated in this past month.
I shouldn’t be surprised. I really shouldn’t. But I guess I’m just a sucker for optimism.
My little girl is such an empath. I don’t have the luxury of having a bad day, of being sick, or giving up. I guess that almost every good parent would agree with that, special needs or not. You have to show up for your kid and do your best every day. Even if your best that day is plopping them in front of a tv show so you can do the dishes, or have a cup of coffee, in peace.
So I suck it up (in front of my child). I manage. I try to keep the peace – for Lily’s sake. For my sake. But what this ends up looking like is giving in. Giving in to the constant requests. Because if I don’t, I know that I won’t be allowed to take her to visit Grandma in Florida, or go on a business trip to ensure my career continues to progress or… or… or…
There is always going to be something. The custody agreement clearly provides guidance on the holidays and birthdays, but for ‘special events’, it’s not so cut and dry.
I’m truly hopeful that one day this terrorism ends so that I don’t have to waste any unnecessary energy trying to keep my cool in front of my kid (or my employees!) in the midst of a show-down with this terrorist. I want to focus all of my energy on loving my girl, loving my family and friends, loving my job and loving myself.
I know this isn’t one of my typical posts. But I’m sharing this for a few reasons. I need to get this off my chest. I need to make sense of the insanity. And I need to start fresh in February. I need to start holding my ground and stopping the negotiations with this terrorist. And it may mean missing a family event from time to time, or maybe finding a nanny or friend who can watch Lily for a few days when I travel. I’m not sure. But it has to change.
And the first step to making a change is acknowledging that something isn’t working. This isn’t working. Not for me. And especially not for my girl.